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Advice to a woman in her 30s looking to marry

I like to say: If your spouse was horribly, permanently maimed or had sudden-onset nasty mental illness the day after marriage, would you stick by him/her? If not, think real hard about tying the knot.

Don’t kid yourself: if you aren’t ready to handle these type of events, then you aren’t really devoted to your partner, no matter nice and warm and cuddly it feels to fantasize that you are, You are devoted to what YOU want, what YOU hope to get out of your partner. You are not devoted to your partner.

This applies also to the aging process. One of you may well — probably will — go down the tubes quicker and more dramatically than the other. Are you willing to be the one to settle for an inferior match for many, many years? If not, don’t get married.

The takeaway from all of this is that when evaluating a potential partner, look for bedrock steadfastness and a hard-wired, DNA-deep aversion to abandoning ship. Look at the “culture” (i.e., the behaviors) of the extended family. Do they have a matter-of-fact beyond-question ethic of sticking together for keeps? I’ve seen families like that. One of the members cheated on his spouse, and the extended family performed an intervention and got the couple back together. They were simply not going to stand for that sneaky infidelity nonsense. If the couple had problems, the family’s attitude was to solve them — or, if absolutely unavoidable. get a proper divorce in the clear light of day. If you do not see that level of ingrained, inculcated, instilled inclination to stick it out and handle marriage honorably – think VERY hard about tying the knot with a prospective partner.;

You are looking for someone who would no more stray from you than they would hit you in the face with a 2×4 while you are napping. You want someone who views cheating as an unthinkable, grave act of domestic violence, not as a lifestyle option.

If your prospective partner is overly obsessing about whether you are a good fit, be very careful. You risk being out the door the minute things go off-key for any length of time. Marriage is at least as much about making the best of adversity and emerging dissimilarities as it is about having a good fit. Do not kid yourself.